My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
