I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
