You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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