I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
