I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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