trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
only if we run a train.
done.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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