omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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