I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
