i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
