I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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