This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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