or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
