I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
birth control should be required to get into college
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
