Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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