woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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