i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
