You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
