3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
