I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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