Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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