Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I wear drunk well.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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