First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
40s are totally the cure
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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