u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
