i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
