I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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