No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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