just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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