so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
