I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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