Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
