I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
