i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
