A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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