Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
