Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
