they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
