This beer is not sobering me up at all
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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