So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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