The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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