Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
