I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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