Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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