I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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