Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
