Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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