and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
