i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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