walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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