Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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