Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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