i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
