Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
