i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
