did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
