Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
