I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I cannot find my penis.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
