I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
