I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
