I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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