That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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