Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize