I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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